And, sure, there are a few weirdo reasons that I have for some of it...like I HATE the way it feels to brush my hair, not too keen on the teeth thing either, but I don't want them to fall out. I don't like the way it feels when water gets on my face in the shower. I don't like the feeling of being hot and then being cold after bathing. And my clothes... e gads...I buy them based on texture, not appearance...which makes sense if you're rolling your balls off on Ecstasy, but not so much if you're going out to dinner with friends...and this clothing thing, of course, is only a problem when I actually choose to wear them. Which I often don't. At least not all of them. Again...the shame button just kinda never kicked in...I know, intellectually it should have, but what can you do?
But I think, in the end, my real reasons for why I do what I do are actually pretty simply...I've come to believe that some things that we do, as people, out of habit, are just that...habit...and some of those habits just don't make sense to me and, therefore, are just a waste of my time, most of the time. I'm not rude...I will dress nice and take a bath before going to see my mom. But don't expect me to wear pants around the house just cause someone 'might' come to visit. I can put em on when the get here...
So after realizing all of the things I hate doing that revolve around this stuff...and then stopping all of the activities I hated...I then realized that maybe, just maybe I should put just a little thought into coming up with some quick and easy techniques to at least give the appearance that I give a shit. Cause, you know, I'm old and fat and grey and why add dirty and smelly to all of that if it isn't necessary...
And this led me to where we are now...how to be dirty, without other Americans knowing it...mostly...cause we know the Europeans don't give a shit about this stuff...the French are a filthy, unwashed lot, yet, somehow, their culture is built around grimy, drunken people all having dirty, nasty, sweaty sex with each other in littered back alleys behind the brothels and butcher shops...That 'sex' thing was always my main motivational tool for self care and even that went to shit once I found out about the French...and the Greeks...the hairy, hairy Greeks...mmmm. The Brits are a tidy folk (other than their historically atrocious dental issues), but NO ONE yells out "Hey, I wanna fuck like a Brit"...talk like a Brit, maybe, but not fuck like one...
And speaking of brothels... Dirty Girl Rule #1 - The Whore Bath...
My grandma taught me this one. She was always a nice, put together lady, but I swear to God, I don't ever remember seeing her take a shower...what I do remember, is seeing her with one leg cocked up on the bathroom counter, with a sudsy bath cloth in her hand, scrubbing her v-jayjay...then her watoosie...well, really...it was face, the pits, then the rest of the junk...yep...that's my grandma...that's what she did at night...
Then she powdered her puss (and yes, she had one of those big ol powder puffs), ran an electric razor over her legs, put a do-rag on her head (so her hair didn't get messed up at night...I don't know...something about having Dippity-Do in it...do you remember that stuff? It was green...), put on her silky red pj bottoms and top (to match her red finger and toe nails), her house coat and slippers and BAM...Bitch was done!
I think there might have been some denture soaking in there some where, I remember cause they were made of silver metal...and I KNOW there was a lot of flossing...she was a dental hygienist for many years and took amazing care of her teeth...
My grandma was fucking awesome like that. I never remember her 'cleaning the house' like I tend to do in those crazy marathons. I do remember her just always picking up after herself. Always making the bed in the morning. Running one of those little hand held non-electric carpet sweepers over the floor from time to time. She made life look so effortless.
She ALWAYS took a nap every day, after lunch, too. Her and my granddaddy in their matching Lazyboy recliners right next to each other. Every now and then one of them would reach out and touch the other's hand. It was such pure love. And though I'm sure it wasn't always true, she made even love, look easy.
So Rule #1 - The Whore Bath. Helpful things FOR Whore Bathing...an electric razor, body powder to stop sweaty boob action, oh, body lotion, I forgot, she used to put that on, too, facial moisturizer, Q-tips for the ears, electric toothbrush, water pick, and those little flossers help, too. For greasy hair - a little baby powder soaks up the grease...also, you can buy 'dry shampoo'. Grandma also wore wigs...for years...and you know, I'm kinda digging that idea myself...
Rule #2 - which kinda goes with #1...wet wipes...that's pretty much all I use...I just use the tp for drying...so, when you think about it, my junk gets a bath, like, almost a dozen times a day...which is awesome! I've pretty much given up even wearing underwear...oh sorry, tmi? If I could afford it, I'd have a bidet...maybe THAT'S the French trick, eh??? But, with the wet wipes...they are also awesome for wiping off the crap you may spill on yourself throughout the day, which saves you from having to wash that shirt for a few more wearings...just hang it up and spray some perfume on it...or wash out the pits in the sink, if you have to and let it dry...saves time, money, and wear on the clothes...
Rule #3 - Paint your toenails. Cause for some reason, when your toenails are painted, people assume your feet are clean...even if they aren't. I've taken to wearing socks a lot cause they really do keep the dirt off somewhat...and if you're not caring who's seeing, wear em one way, shake em out, turn em inside out, and wear em that way the next day...who's gonna know? Not me, that's for sure.
Rule #4 - Deodorant and perfume. Nuff said.
Rule #5 - Makeup...if you're in a pinch, my friend Dan always says, brush your hair, put on some mascara, and some lipstick and you're good. He also said that they have come out with fake 1/2 eye lashes that don't look that fake...sounds good to me...if you're willing to put the time into putting them on...
Rule #6 - I haven't figured out yet...roots...a quick way to fix hair roots...I'm sure there's some shit at Sally's Beauty that you can mix up for when you just want a little bit...I should ck. into that cause I'm gonna be a redhead till they put me in the ground...
Anyway...that's all I've got so far...do you have any Dirty Girl Rules? Cause I love me some DGR!
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